Dating sucks and I’m not doing it

Health - Ryan McGuire

I’ve been out of the game for a couple years, so when the idea of meeting others seemed OK again it was full of curiosity, if not a little excitement.    I quickly discovered, however, that I was doing things wrong.

My first couple interactions with girls were a big hit to the ego.  Someone I think is worthwhile just ends up not returning my call.   My friend tells me I went for a 2nd date too quickly.   Ok, I guess.

Subsequent attempts didn’t get better.  Meeting people is easy.  The problems seem to be after THEY ask ME to go out again.  Despite my best attempts to be straight forward each of these girls have canceled our dates the day of.  Wtf?

Then I get drunk and find myself having purchased an online dating subscription.  Damn it, drunk me.

That didn’t go much better.  In my limited time I searched through dozens of profiles, sent many unreturned messages, and checked all the ‘likes’ I received.  Only once do I come close to setting up a date and then, already having dealt with a reschedule, a cancellation the day before with no excuse.  Jesus.

So after ranting to friends, I questioned why I was even putting myself through this angst and constant rejection.

In my 20’s I questioned what was wrong with me when I didn’t have a girlfriend.  Why didn’t anyone want me?  Would I ever find my life partner?

In my 30’s I don’t really seem to care.  It’s not that I wouldn’t be interested if something came along, but there is so much time and energy wasted that I could be spending elsewhere.

And so I am.

Our dating game is broken.  After studying all the things to do and say, when and how, with how much fervor or by acting like I don’t give a rat’s ass about them I’ve noticed that yea, some of those things work but… it’s dumb and despite some professional’s statements that yes, it is, but it’s a requirement to succeed… well that just sounds like a challenge and I’m up for those.

I’m taking a 3 month spell of no dates, at all.  When I’m asked I’ll now respond with “Sorry, I don’t do dates until I know you for 90 days.”

This frees me up to, well, date myself.  I’m fucking awesome, so it’s actually exciting.  I’ll be going out with myself, getting drinks, and essentially just spending some quality time alone, with me, the BEST date.

Number One Fan

Gold Dust01““Dreaming” people say is a waste of time,
Apparently they will never come true.
I have proof dreams can be reality.
Because when in reality, my dream was finding you.
.
Wishing is said to be a lost hope,
Something hoped for but one never sees
I don’t understand how this can be told
When I wished a perfect girl suddenly you came to be.

Some people search their entire life,
Trying to catch a glimpse of an angel.
Its apparent they’ve never met you,
Someone intelligent, sweet and beautiful.

Desires are something everyone possesses,
They are things in life that completes us by far.
I have but only one true desire,
To tell you just how amazing and special you are.

We all have so many thoughts in our head,
Some of our thoughts will never part.
There is only one thing I can’t stop thinking about,
That’s of you, and your beautiful heart.

I hope you know how amazing you are,
And how special you make people feel.
You are truly one in a million,
Everything I’ve said about you is so real.

You don’t deserve anything less than the best,
So be all that you can.
I will always be there for you,
For you see, I am your number one fan.”

-Brandon Hall
*Brandon Hall is a guest writer from Portland, OR and we’d love to hear your take on his work.  Should we press for more of his work?  Like and Comment below.

Have Some Respect…

FuckIt01One of life’s biggest dilemmas seems to be repeating our mistakes.   We all have instances in our own lives and even friends who let it actually define them.  Who among us hasn’t been dumped/hurt by someone only to give them another chance and **shock!** got dumped/hurt again!?  What a pain!  What the hell!?  Actually, we should have expected it.  Why?

Learn some damn respect.  Not for others, for yourself.  A lack of it is why those mistakes keep coming back to bite us in the ass.  While most of us stroll through our days acting like self-respecting adults, the fact is we’re a bit insecure and caring about things we should let slide by the wayside.  We all battle against repeating mistakes because of the “complexity” that “no one would understand” when in reality the scenario is quite simple.

Think about this… You start a new job which promises to pay well every other week.  You work your butt off the first two weeks, hit goals and learn quickly.  After your first two weeks… no paycheck.  What the heck?  Your boss has a ton of excuses and promises to pay soon, maybe even give a bonus on your next check for the hassle.  Firstly, how many of us would bail right now??  Probably a few, specifically those who know their work is worth timely pay and realize they can be employed in a myriad of places.  You could say it’s those who place high value on their work.   But some of us… we’ll keep on for another two weeks and see what happens.  I mean, they said they’ll bonus us for the hassle.  Worth the wait, right!?

The next two weeks pass quickly.  We kick even more butt, breakeven more company goals.  5pm on Friday comes aaand… paytime!  Right?  Urgently scuttling to our boss’s office proves of little worth as he notifies us paychecks won’t be coming again because of blah blah blah. This is the moment most of us leave for good, regardless of the excuses.  You know your value and the fact it’s been degraded by this employer is nonsense!  Even when the boss comes back and offers even more money and a bigger bonus you tell him to go shove it up (somewhere) and walk away without regret.

MotoShow01

Why?  Self respect.  We don’t allow such intolerable behavior in your work life so why then does it feel so hard to have the same respect when it comes to matters of the heart?  We’ll tell employers they’re assholes for expecting our continued effort without pay, yet we tell our lovers it’s ok to continually promise something that’s never delivered upon.  This just isn’t right.

Simply put, we need more respect and less doubt when it comes to our personal beings.  This directly impacts the type of relationship we’ll have.  It’s easy when you’re first person to not realize your value.  Actually, we tend to be our own worst critics.  I struggled with it for years.  It led to relationships that kept ending poorly, excuses as to why it wouldn’t happen again, and another chance to someone who didn’t deserve it.  And guess what?  It happened right over again!  It led to not putting myself out there when opportunities I deserved came by; Partly because I was wasting time with someone sub-standard and also that I didn’t think I was worth what I’d always dreamed of.  The repetitive nature almost destroyed my self worth and made me think I deserved the actions.  I don’t.  You don’t.

The answer is simple to know and yet difficult to act upon.  Start treating yourself like you’re worthwhile.  The only person in this world who will stick up for yourself is you.  It’s when you begin doubting that your world begins to crumble.  Just as you wouldn’t continue to work without pay, why continue that relationship that constantly under delivers?  Why continually believe things will change when history shows they repeat themselves?

Damn it, grow a pair.  Have respect for yourself.  Stop giving a fuck.  Take those things that have been stringing you along and get rid of them once and for all.  Move on and demand the next person treats you with every ounce of respect you’ve ever hoped for.  You’ll be amazed at the relief.

-Tizz

CuddleCon – Portland’s Cuddle Convention

cuddle01

Borrowed from CuddleUpToMe.com

Recently I was made aware of a new convention coming to town.  Sounds cool, right?  ComicCon, Kumoricon, Orycon and a number of others have become major players and Portland is a great town for freaks and geeks, entirely willing to sport their secret loves, come out in groves to share it with the public.  It’s obvious, then, to hear how CuddleCon: The Cuddling Convention caught my attention.

Samantha Hess, a proclaimed cuddle professional hailing from SE Portland (because, where else?), has championed this event.  Professional cuddler, you ask?  While I feel I can cuddle like a pro, she has something I don’t.  Samantha has regular clientele who spend an hour with her, non-sexually, cuddling for $60 a pop.  This industry is actually something that’s been growing throughout the country and she is Portland’s first venture.  The “touch industry” has been spreading like wildfire under the idea that touch helps revive and soften the emotions and stress we all feel in our everyday lives.

Clients range from singles to those in long-term relationships.  Though thus far it’s been heavily weighted towards guys, even women get in on the benefits of human connection and getting a bit of human interaction where they otherwise can’t find it.  This then is the basis of CuddleCon.  With details easily found at CuddleCon.com, an IndieGoGo site (a leading crowdfunding site) where they are currently trying to raise funds for their event, they’re currently 7 days into their 20 day campaign and only $860 has been raised of their $33,000 goal.

Contributing helps fund a myriad of events including snuggle parties, massage classes, dance lessons and yoga instruction.  There are even smaller events such as piggyback riding and pillow fighting.  Their goal is more than 200 attendees in a safe, comfortable environment which they hope to improve year after year, eventually creating the largest convention of it’s kind.  The event lands on February 14th, Valentines Day, so I’ll be curious to see if the majority of attendees are singles or couples who tend to plan their own events that day.  Regardless, everyone is welcome and sure to find a unique experience they could fall in love with.

CuddleCon begins at Samantha’s shop, Cuddle Up To me, over at 1015 E Burnside St.  All events are within walking distance and you can potentially even get a piggyback ride to the festivities (hizzah!).  So if any of this interests you head on over to their site and contribute if you can, or at least show up to what might be your favorite Con of the year.

-Tizz

Deserving a 2nd Chance

_The man on top____ - Vince Lombardi [736x840]_BaconitI used to think that my generosity in giving people 2nd chances was a good thing.  Of course it would be, right?  Quickly I noticed this to be more of a liability than a help in the dating scene.  More often than I’d like to admit I found myself with women who abused my giving of time, love, and money.  It wasn’t until the 3rd or 4th exploitation that I’d man up and stick up for myself, including cutting them my life if needed.  Why do we sometimes seem to attract the wrong people?  And why is it we continue to fall similar tricks over and over?  It wasn’t until my late twenties I came to the realization in fact those 2nd opportunities was, in fact, a positive trait and one of many kindhearted individuals.  The problem lied not with giving that additional chance, but who it was beeing given to.

Many of us believe the best in our significant others.  They are – especially in the moment – some of the most important people in our lives.  After growing up as somewhat of a black sheep, I wouldn’t be where I am today without  getting the chance to apologize and prove my merit.  We’ve all been there which makes it easy to forgive another.  We trust our partners and can’t imagine they’d have anything but out best intentions at heart.  It’s easy to give more chances when perhaps it’s small and continuous misconduct.  Many of us are wise enough to see direct abuse yet meager, intermittent events (which will range from person to person) can fool even the best of us.  Our hope lies in learning to recognize the other person’s intentions and efforts after the fact.Out of suffering_____Gibran Khalil Gibran [ 720x480 ]_Baconit

People who deserve a 2nd chance know they need it.  They’re able to recognize, admit wrongdoing, and ask for it.  Think about when you make a mistake with your friends…  You want to fix it.  You feel horrible!  This is and always will be the same for people who care about each other.  And when you want to fix a problem badly enough, you usually do.  This means if regret is not actively, aggressively shown then another chance may not have the intended results.  What will happen?  Typically, it will all end the same as before.  And what is the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Take heart of this, and the next time a significant other or potential partner does you wrong make sure they (willingly) express their full grief and regret of causing you pain.  If they don’t, consider holding off on that 2nd chance.

Tizz

Showing Up For Life

Macaroon

Today was another one that ended with my face buried deeply in my hands. There seemed an overwhelming amount of incompetent individuals with sticks perusing the bubble that is my life. Why in such a modern society does it feel like some folks still don’t seem to get it?   Today I share a few short (yet far from simple) lessons we need to learn – or re-learn for some of us – to help make the world a better place for both ourselves and others:

1) Do what you say you’ll do.

And don’t do what you say you won’t.   This simple statement could be the key to discovery and happiness for our species if only we weren’t so flawed.   We’ll innately fail and let others, and ourselves, down.  Because of this we need to be mindful of the things we speak into being.  “A man’s word is his bond,” and rightfully so.  Accomplish more, hurt less and get off your butt and into action.

2) Blame yourself for almost everything in life.

When we’re younger we don’t have control of the things that surround us, but as adults we do entirely. The people we hang around, the money we make, our inner and external health… Learn to hold yourself accountable.  Learn to create solutions.  Change starts at yourself.

3) Treat others with respect.

Because karma is a huge bitch.  Don’t be surprised when the world comes crashing down to expose it’s innards.  Keep in mind that your actions come back around and putting that extra foot forward for another can reap benefits when you really need them.  Small things seam meager yet equate substantially.

-Tizz